


friends

by Sakataka



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, One Shot, Short, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 08:46:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18891187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sakataka/pseuds/Sakataka
Summary: Sakamoto had never had many friends but he knew these ones were special.





	friends

**Author's Note:**

> UH this sucks ass i CANNOT write but i got convinced to upload this so Here. its more focused on sakamoto himself than takasaka but i am in rarepair hell and love them so....also yes this is canon characterization shut up

Sakamoto had never been the type to be close to someone. He doesn't know if it was because he was shy around people or if the people around him made him shy. He had never been welcome, though. His school years were no happy ones, he was seen as annoying, loud, he was the outcast, too easy to make fun of. Because he trusted people.

So he didn't trust people anymore. It's a bad thing to do in the war, anyway. He wanted to leave those years behind, with a smile, the smile he always wore, his persona that accompanied him when no one else did. Because it's easier to smile than cry. Or maybe he just didn't want pity. Or maybe he just wanted to attract more people through his smile and peaceful attitude?

He didn't know. He still doesn't. It was hard on him, hard deciding who he was, who he wanted to be, if he was wearing a mask or not, if he was destined to end up like that or if people made him that way. So all he could do is stare into the stars and wish upon shooting stars, wish for freedom, with a smile

Thus, he kept smiling. He kept smiling even when his men obviously didn't believe in him, he kept smiling when meeting new people, he kept smiling when he was called an idiot and stupid and whatnot. He didn't smile when he was alone. But those weren't the important parts.

Sometimes while his ship sailed through the seas he wondered if he wants to be recognized. If he wants to be hailed as a hero, swinging his sword, defeating many in battle. If he wants to be one of many soldiers or a glorious war hero, or something entirely different, a rich businessman or merchant, a scholar. But those things weren't appealing to him. Smiles. That's what he had wished for. He wished for a lot of smiles. And then he thought to himself how lame he sounded while looking at the horizon, watching the sun set and the reflection on the water. But an airhead like him didn't need to think, anyway. What he thinks wasn't important, anyway.

When he arrived on the shore, when he vomited on the two new faces, he already knew what kind of impression he was going to make. But still, he smiled. At the small purple-haired man, at the taller, angry white-haired man and at the long-haired man in the back. And so, he joined them. They had no choice but to accept him anyway. It's just for business, just for the supplies, just to be a valuable asset. No one would stand him otherwise.

As he fought through battles and blood-filled battlefield with these men, it was clear to him how above his level they were. There was no way he could ever stand out, even if he wanted to. He admired them. He wished he could be like them. He was sure they were liked a lot. But all he could do was run after them and keep their backs safe. All he could do is laugh and tell his stupid jokes off the battlefield, let his stupid self run rampant and ruin yet another chance at relationships

But for some reason, they didn't cast him away when he joined them. For some reason, sometimes, they even laughed at what he said. He was punched, insulted, called stupid, but it felt different than what usually happened. But then he reminded himself not to think that way. He shouldn't get attached. Not to anyone. 

It was night, the full moon shined brightly in the sky, lighting up the hill they were camping on. Sakamoto was looking outside, couldn't sleep, as many couldn't. It was war, after all. He decided to step outside and look at the stars, so distant and yet shining so brightly. Just like how he wants to be. When he stepped outside though, he saw the fearsome leader of the Kihetai sitting on the grass, leaning against a tree. Without thinking much, he went outside and plopped down next to Takasugi. "You on night watch? That must suck haha." 

"I thought the war and Gintoki were the only annoyances here but an even bigger one showed up."

Sakamoto laughed it off, as he always did. He already knew that the rugged, prideful, heroic leader wouldn't want to do much with him. He usually avoided those kinds of people but for some reason, he felt quite lonely. And Takasugi looked lonely, too.

"Do you ever wish you could leave?" 

"Do you ever shut up?"

"Unfortunately, I don't, hahaha."

Takasugi shuffled a bit, looking at Sakamoto. The moon shone on the purple-haired man's face, highlighting his sharp features and his annoyed, but somewhat curious, gaze. "Do you? Do you wish you could leave?"

They've never talked much, especially not outside of their group or meetings, so it surprised him Takasugi was asking him that and seemed interested. "Yeah. This stuff isn't for me, really." "Figures. An idiot like you is too kind-hearted to be here. It could get you killed easily."

"Yeah. Won't be much of a loss though." "What do you mean? You provide a lot of support to us." "Haha, yeah, I guess."

And the moment slipped away as quickly as it began, they sat there in silence for a while before Sakamoto stood up and left again. His mind was more at ease after talking to someone, even if he wasn't welcome, and he fell asleep more easily.

He didn't think much of it anymore. Just a thing that happened. The battles continued, their allyship continued, the blood continued, the war, the screams, the nightmares continued, the sleepless nights, the regret, the disgust. How many more? How many more until he could stop? Was there even sense in any of this? 

"Sakamoto, good job on the battlefield today!"

"Huh?" The brunette turned around to face Katsura, another one of the greatest among them. Praise from him was something to treasure, something high, so he was quite surprised.

"Thank you?" He wasn't quite sure if he was being made fun of. But then Katsura smiled at him softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "You always notice a lot of details that can decide battles. You have great potential, you know." Sakamoto searched for any hint of sarcasm, of any malice, any humor in it, but couldn't find any. He wasn't making fun of him, wasn't pitying him, wasn't being humurous. He really thought that way.

"Oh- thank you! Haha, that's nice of you!" 

"No need to thank me. But you should focus more on yourself on the battlefield you know? If you keep looking out for only others, you're bringing yourself in danger. Now, why don't you join us for a drink?"

"Huh? I mean, sure?" Katsura smiled and signaled him to follow him and he led the way to the tiny house where Takasugi and Gintoki were already waiting. "Finally, Zura, I thought I was gonna die before you arrive" "It's not Zura, it's Katsura! And I was doing important things you know!" "What, like combing through your hair for an hour?" "You were late too, Gintoki" "Only because I couldn't find my Jump!".

However, when he felt an arm slinging around his shoulder and disgusting alcoholic breath he was surprised. "Hold up, where are you going? You're one of us now! Come on, let's go sparring together!"

One of them? What did that mean? Was it a joke? Should he laugh? Should he just smile? But he couldn't keep thinking as he was dragged by Gintoki and then very mercilessly defeated by all of them. He fell on the ground, whining and complaining but then he saw a small hand outstretched to him. "That's why you need to pay more attention. Your posture is sloppy." Takasugi's words were sharp but his hand was soft and he lifted him up, down from the ground. 

They continued on training, sparring, drinking, looking out for each other on the battlefield, they'd seek each other out during their free time, they'd invite him over more often until he just joined them naturally. Was this what it was like to have friends?, he asked himself while under the stars. It felt really nice, he thought. But if they found out he was having pathetic thoughts like these, they'd probably laugh at him. They were amazing, outstanding, They probably had loads of friends. Of course it wasn't new to them. Did that mean they'd just replace him sometime? He didn't know but he couldn't be picky. He was lucky to have some at all. So he had to make them smile. He had to show them he was grateful, for turning his smiles into real ones. He sat there, under the starry night sky while the wind was blowing, pondering over how this time, the smiles he wanted had faces, he knew which smiles he wanted.

But knowing this war, this wasn't going to last for long. The faces in his vision get torn up, cut, blood spilled, he shook a bit and got goosebumps. Suddenly, he heard something from behind him and he drew his sword, ready for an enemy to strike.

"You on night watch? That must suck."

The familiar face wore an usual soft smile as he approchaed him, exactly like in the vision he had had. Sakamoto smiled brightly in response, waving a bit. "Hey Takasugi? Aw, you missed me so much you wanna join me? Hahaha." "Don't make me leave again, idiot."

This time, Takasugi sat down next to him. Even if he was one of them now, they still spoke rarely. He was wondering why he joined him, especially out of his own will. Did he need something from him?

"Isn't it lovely? All alone. You could even feel like there's peace right now. Like there's no war."

"Yeah, haha. I didn't take you for the sentimental type." "I merely know how to enjoy a nice sight."

Sakamoto shuffled with his legs a bit while Takasugi turned to look at him, his face lit up by the moon again. "You do too, it seems. You always look at the sky so longingly." Sakamoto laughed and turned to him with a smug smile. "What, you wished I looked at you longingly instead?" Of course, that earned him a few mean hits from Takasugi. He kept laughing as Takasugi called him an idiot. But after some time, he sat up and looked up at the sky. "I'd just really like to visit one day. To go away from here."

"Leave your home? Why?" "It's not much of a home." Sakamoto realized how serious he sounded just now and tried to drown it out with laughter. "I mean, I bet there's plenty of hot babes in space!"  
They passed a while in silence again, just staring at the sky like back then. It felt strangely nostalgic. Then, he couldn't stop the words from passing his lips. "What do you want to do after the war?" It was common to not ask things like that. They didn't have time to dream, didn't have time to think about futures, had to be prepared for death at any time, for everything to have changed when they come back.

"I don't know."

A few seconds passed before Takasugi added: "I'd really like to learn how to play the Shamisen." "Haha really? That's it?"

"Yeah."

"I'd like to hear you play sometime, then."

The first time Gintoki called him his friend, he was extremely shocked. He was their friend. Really? Why? "Huh? Why? Are you stupid? Because you just are! Which reminds me, stop calling me Sakata! You're my friend, so call me Gintoki!" And Sakamoto happily obliged.

Whenever Gintoki and Sakamoto sparred, Sakamoto could feel the exprience in his movements, the weight in his sword and the strength in his mind. He was someone born to fight, someone who had been doing this for a long time, even longer than most of them here. But Gintoki was still young. It was sad, he thought. He wondered what kind of life he lived. However, Gintoki didn't leave him much room to think as he promptly unhanded him and kicked him to the ground. "What's wrong Tatsuma? You distracted?"

As usual, Sakamoto couldn't keep his mouth shut. "What are you fighting for?" He cursed himself and his stupid mouth, he wished he never spoke, he wished he could sink to the ground and disappear. "Huh? You distracted because of something as stupid as that?"

However, Gintoki put his sword away and avoided Sakamoto's eyes. "...For someone precious to me." And Sakamoto almost said that, yeah, he did too. For the three idiots that became precious to him and gave him a reason to fight.

"For someone so kind-hearted you're awfully nosy, you know?" Gintoki sighed and plopped himself onto the wooden tiles. "You know, when Katsura told us you're always alone I just thought it's because you're a weirdo. But...I'm glad we got a kind nosy idiot like you on our side." 

"Haha, Kintoki, you gettin' emotional? I'm just a plain old idiot, nothing more."

And for a second, Gintoki looked more serious than usual. He looked genuine and raw. "You're more than just a plain old idiot to us Tatsuma. Don't forget that."

Then he stood up and drew his sword again, pointing it at Sakamoto. "So now we need to train so your kind ass doesn't lead to your death."

After Gintoki worked him to the bone, he walked out of the room with him, both sweaty and exhausted, Sakamoto complaining while Gintoki told him to shut up. As they walked out, they saw Katsura and Takasugi waiting for them, Katsura waving and Takasugi leaning against a tree and they walked back to their camp as the sun fell down, Gintoki started some petty fight with Takasugi again and Sakamoto gladly stepped between them. It felt nice. Too nice. He knew he let himself get too attached. He knew he was feeling too much, thinking too much, not following what he told himself. But it felt nice. And for just a second, he wished for a future with his friends by his side, laughing and arguing just like this.

A stupid, futile, unnecessary wish. But this tiny wish stayed with him throughout his entire time he spent there.

A wish that kept growing, just a tiny bit more, just feeding on each battle they won, on each interaction they had. Sakamoto learned to hug, learned to express himself, learned to say "friend" without feeling weird. Unfortunately, he also learned bad things. He learned that he still felt weird when he hugged a certain purple-haired man, learned that actually, Takasugi wasn't quite unattractive, quite the opposite. But this physical attraction was not going to get in the way of his friendship. Not when he finally found something like this. Besides, if he really wanted to he could just make it a hookup and then move on, something he did a lot. His feelings for Takasugi were nothing special, not too much, just something sexual. He did let himself get attached to his friends but he'd never let himself get that vulnerable with anyone. He was too afraid. Yeah, he was a coward at heart. He knew that, a lot of people previously knew, but it was for the better, he thought. He wouldn't get hurt that way.

So when Takasugi sat beside him while he was watching the stars again, it was just like usual. It had become a ritual, joining the other at night, talking, watching the stars. The moonlight lit up Takasugi's face and for a moment, Sakamoto's heart started beating faster. Had Takasugi always been this cute? But when his face turned and he gave him an annoyed "What?", expecting some stupid remark, Sakamoto just laughed and brushed it off.  
"...You aren't on night watch today, are you?" Sakamoto was startled. They had both been aware, knew that the other was probably awake from nightmares, but they had never dared to bring it up, it had been none of their business. Sakamoto shook his head and grinned.

His heart nearly stopped at what happened next. A familiar soft, small hand on his, a concerned look on Takasugi's face, his heartbeat going through the roof. "You know I'm here for you, right?" "Y-yeah." He told himself to relax, to remember that it meant nothing, that he wasn't supposed to feel this way. He put on his usual smile but saw that Takasugi looked at him sadly.

"I wish you wouldn't do that."

"What?"

"Hide your feelings from me like that"

"W-what? What are you talking about Takasugi, hahaha."

Takasugi just looked up again, not answering his question which gave Sakamoto room to regain his breath. "What's up with you today? You're usually not this affectionate Takasugi haha."

Silence, again. Then, he noticed the hand on his shaking a little and he immediately shifted into panic mode. Did he do something wrong? "Hey, Takasugi, you alright?"

"It's for our teacher. We're fighting for our teacher. He got captured."

Sakamoto listened and nodded and gripped the hand under his. He listened to Takasugi ramble, tell him bits and pieces of his past, tell him about what he was doing, what he was planning to do, what his motivations were. He listened to his self-doubt and hatred, his anxiety and guilt. "...Is that why you haven't been able to sleep?"

"Yeah."

Heavy feelings put to rest for once, Sakamoto pulled Takasugi in an embrace and Takasugi's arms snaked around his back and they held each other, something they both needed and wanted so desperately, something to ease the pain of this god forsaken time of war, of endless corpses and dead dreams and sad friends. 

"If you want I'll try to help you sleep?"

For a while, Takasugi didn't look up, didn't say anything. Then, he looked up and smiled a little. "Shinsuke is fine."

And his wish grew a little bit more. And it grew a large bit more. And it encompassed him completely. Because all of his mind told him to protect the smile that he just saw.

And then his wish died.

"I guess I never learned my lesson, haha."

The men around him were panicking, looking at his wound, knowing his fate. "Hey hey, don't pity me so much, I'll be fine", but his voice was so frail and weak, he could barely pretend to sound happy.

He wasn't happy.

He would never be happy again.

He would never hold a sword again.

He'd never protect anything ever again, let alone things important to him.

So when Takasugi scolded him, smiled at him, it was bittersweet. The last time he'd see this smile, the last time he'd think that at least he contributed to protecting it. Everything was crumbling, crashing down, and all he could do was laugh and nod and say "Yes, I'm fine, don't worry" and feel like throwing up.

His arm, disabled because he tried to protect an enemy soldier. He wondered what would have happened if he had listened to everyone. If he hadn't been kind. But Takasugi smiled at him so proudly, he discarded those thoughts. And the world kept spinning, he kept spinning, all he could do was whisper "I'm sorry, Shinsuke", at least he thought he did, he could barely feel anything anymore, before he passed out and everything went to black. Just like his wish did.

And then he didn't see them again.

A few years went by and he tried other wishes, he went to space, he met people, new friends maybe? He hadn't been abandoned completely and for that he was grateful but after his failure, he needed to escape, he shouldn't keep showing his face.

So he flew around, got around, never got attached, never thought of his past except when he couldn't sleep and looked at the stars. And he didn't think of visiting earth again, he didn't want to, he didn't wish to. So he didn't know why he did. He just knew he was there, on a familiar grassy mountaintop with the wind breezing and messing up his hair. It was nighttime and frezing cold, but it felt like he couldn't feel cold. He sat down and stared up and wondered why.

And then he heard a tune, a melancholic, elegant one, that felt strangely familiar. So he just listened for a while, feeling no need to stand up, taking everything in, allowing himself a moment. But after a while, he stood up, going to investigate.

And there was a wish. 

And there was an instrument.

And he felt like his skin was being torn from his bones.

"Hello, welcome home."


End file.
